


Out of Love

by Ryu_Reikai_Akuma



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Domestic, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Animal Death, Domestic Fluff, Family Dinners, Kissing, M/M, Secret Relationship, Some Kind of Proposal (but not really), abdication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-08
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-19 14:42:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14875709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ryu_Reikai_Akuma/pseuds/Ryu_Reikai_Akuma
Summary: A dinner party with Fili and Dis made Thorin think about his past decisions and Kili was desperate to not have him change his mind.





	Out of Love

**Author's Note:**

> This is a modification of a plot I’ve been entertaining for years. The original idea is Thorin leaving the quest to live with Kili, but I can’t think of any situation that would make him do that. It’s too out of character for him to abandon the quest he has dreamt of just like that regardless of the reason. So, I go for the next best thing: abdication. Some angst and domestic stuff ahead!

Dirt and blood followed Kili as he made his way into the small cottage he called home. The deer was heavy upon his battle-worn shoulders but he still lifted it with ease even without assistance. It had been years since he last lifted swords and hammers, but he had replaced the exercise with the toils required for surviving far from society. Now his hands were roughened by farming tools, his body strengthened by labor, his spirit brightened by nature. The large deer he had very recently killed was but a mildly inconveniencing burden, bothering him only because it was much taller than he and thus difficult to lift. Such trivial thing did nothing to dampen his excitement, however, and he left red and brown track on the floor behind him as he sought to boast about his latest kill. Kili grinned when he found his audience in the kitchen, cutting vegetables with expertise earned in recent years.

“Do you think this is enough for tonight’s dinner?” he asked, even though he knew the answer.

Thorin lifted his eyes from his work to assess the deer and nodded, smiling approvingly. “It should be, unless your brother and mother bring Dwalin along with them.”

“They made no mention of it, but Mister Dwalin wouldn’t miss an opportunity to spar with you if he could. Do you want the skin?”

Thorin nodded as he returned to his vegetables. “Yes. And clean the floor.”

Kili laughed and obeyed. He cleaned the mess he had left behind while regaling Thorin with the tale of the hunt. He received very little response, but he knew he was being heard, if from nothing else then from the questions Thorin asked when he was quiet for a little too long. Kili skinned and cut the deer behind the cottage. An open window allowed communication between him and Thorin. Although they had discussed it the previous night (and many night before that), they still listed the chores they had to do to welcome their guests.

There weren’t many types of food they could offer with their limited resources in the woods, but they did what they could, even using some of the food they had preserved for the harsh winter. Kili was always worried about using it, but it was only the start of summer and he would have plenty of time to restock. Already their garden was beginning to thrive, the green leaves promising a comfortable year. Thorin tended to each and every plant carefully, the only love for nature he openly displayed and even then only for practical reasons. He still disliked what he perceived to be a home for elves despite there being no elf living in this particular wood. It took a lot of coaxing to make him join Kili for a walk amongst the trees, shrubberies, and flower patches and he always frowned all the while, although he never failed to relax when Kili decided to rest and observe the glory of nature around them. Kili kept his amusement on this to himself. One might remove a dwarf from mines and mountains, but one could never remove the rock-hard nature of the dwarf.

As the day grew late, Thorin’s tongue sharpened, but Kili was by now used to ignoring the barbs. He complied when ordered and tried not to take much heed in criticism. He understood that it was but anxiety fueled by pride. He wished to show that he was doing well while so far out of his elements and Kili must agree with the sentiment, though he believed that his survival was enough evidence. Still he cleaned and rearranged, and then changed his clothes to one of his finer ones when Thorin commanded him to. He changed in relative silence, covertly observing from the corners of his eyes as Thorin changed his own clothes. He had discarded his fine coats, furs, and jewelries before he left for this cottage and Kili knew it made him feel bare and vulnerable. For the first few months, Thorin armed himself with any small weapon he could find, trying to recapture the security of his impressive outfit and the respect and admiration it had garnered him. Eventually, however, he realized that Kili was neither threat nor impressionable spectator. His posturing yielded no result but jovial smiles and light comments. In the end, he abandoned the efforts, although he made some again whenever they had visitors, just as they did tonight.

The sky had just turned dark red when their guests neared. Neared because they were still quite far from the cottage, yet their entourage had made enough rackets to rouse the whole woods. Kili bounced on his heels, standing near the front door in excitement. Thorin was far more subdued, sitting on a large chair he had claimed as his own. Once in a while, their eyes met and they exchanged smiles, one in impatience and the other in anxiety, for Kili longed to see his family and Thorin wished to impress them. Kili thought to join him to entertain him while their visitors still had a way to go before arriving, but a drunken night with Thorin had revealed that some distance was required to observe his figure and the way warm yellow light played upon his face. Kili tilted his head down just so in hope of providing some distraction to Thorin. He knew he succeeded when he felt a long warm gaze on him.

When the darkness outside the cottage was aglow with lights from lanterns and torches, Thorin left his chair to join Kili. They traded a look and opened the door to the impressive sight of dwarf soldiers and attendants lined up, forming a path for Fili and Dis to take once they got off their ponies. Their jewelries glittered under the light and the fur and silk of their clothes ruffled beautifully in the evening wind. Atop Fili’s head, the raven crown sat firmly, denoting his station. Kili and Thorin bowed low to their king and princess when they reached them. Formal greetings were exchanged before they were led into the cottage, where Kili tightly hugged his mother and brother the second the door closed behind them.

“How are you both?” he asked just as Dis exclaimed that he had grown thin. “No, I haven’t!” he denied vehemently.

“I will be much better once I remove my coat. It’s already quite warm. I’m boiling in it!” Fili complained. He sighed when Thorin took the thick outfit away from him. “Thank you. How are you?”

“Very well,” Thorin replied, smiling. “It takes some time to get used to heat in that.”

“I know not how you managed it, traveling across Middle Earth in your fur coat for months.” Fili frowned at his coat, then returned his attention to Thorin. “Dwalin wanted to come, but his wife is to give birth soon and doesn’t want him far. He wants me to tell you that he expects at least three rounds of wrestling with you when he comes to show you his baby.”

“Is it almost time? It seems only a few months ago that he married, but it’s been over two years, isn’t it?” Kili reflected as Thorin chuckled his acquiescence to Dwalin’s demand. “Well, more food for us!”

“More food for _you_!” Dis interjected. “I can almost feel your ribs! Thorin, do you not tell your nephew to eat?”

“You say that every time you see him, sister. Your son is very good at feeding himself. In fact, it’s one of his best skills. There’s no need for me to spoon-feed him.” He smirked as Kili nodded vigorously.

It seemed that they had dallied by the door a little too long as Fili began to peer toward the kitchen in a decidedly un-kingly manner. “It’s more for _me_ if whatever you’ve prepared involves meat. I’ve been entertaining elf envoys for the past week. If I must go another day without meat, I shall go mad.”

This immediately captured Thorin’s attention. “From Mirkwood? What do they want?”

Fili nodded somberly. “They want to negotiate some trade terms and propose a joint patrol in the Misty Mountains.” At Thorin’s frown, he continued. “There have been sightings of orcs and goblins, but Balin has assured me that he can handle it. Even if he can’t, I am – and I’m sure you would be as well – hesitant to allow the elves near Moria. They have thus far been a loyal ally to us, but these Mirkwood elves aren’t as wise as others, after all. I’m not sure I should tempt them with proximity to our mithril.”

“What else does Balin say on the matter? If the elves are concerned, perhaps there are some underlying causes,” Thorin advised.

Dis huffed in displeasure. “Let us not talk about politics! I’ve had my fill of it in Erebor!”

It was their cue to move to the kitchen. With no attendant, Kili and Thorin served their guests themselves. It was not such a hard work. Their small table was easy to fill with all the food they had prepared and the compact kitchen allowed easy reach for anything they might need. They sat together at the table, talking and laughing and passing plates and bowls to each other. Here, far from the sharp eyes and ears of the Lonely Mountain and its occupants, they behaved without reservation. They didn’t meet half as often as they liked and only managed to send letters once or twice a week, but neither of these diminished their closeness. Kili and Fili were always ready to tease each other, the crown sitting on Fili’s head but a minor accessory they completely ignored in their happiness. Dis mothered her sons and brother, making sure they ate more and more, and asking about any issue she might be able to help with. Thorin was only slightly less quiet than usual, talking about the changes that had taken place since Fili and Dis’ last visit and inquiring after his closest friends and relatives in Erebor.

There were many whom Kili and Thorin hadn’t met in years. They visited the mountain kingdom rarely, only when strictly necessary. They last saw those great green marble halls when Dwalin wedded in a small ceremony. They had entered through a backdoor in the morning and left through the same in the evening, drawing almost no attention. Sometimes, letters would arrive with news or reminiscence of times long gone, but mostly Kili and Thorin were left alone. It was not due to indifference but rather respect for their wishes to withdraw from the society, particularly that of the political kind. Only few, such as Fili, Dis, and Dwalin, dared to intrude upon their isolation at will and even they did it in moderation. Neither Kili nor Thorin minded this arrangement, though some nights were too quiet and some days the forest seemed too expansive and empty.

When the food was gone, they moved to the living space where Kili served them home-brewed drink that never failed to loosen even the most uptight dwarf. Dis demanded the fiddle just a glass later and soon she and Kili performed tavern songs while Fili sang. Thorin, who had built better immunity to the drink, watched the performance quietly in amusement and couldn’t be persuaded to either dance or play. He contributed great conversation, however, when Fili and Dis had begun to lose their inhibition and complain about things and people, something that etiquette wouldn’t usually allow them to do. Dis had no end of grievances, from patronizing lords to airheaded servants, from political crises to some households’ domestic woes. How she knew them was unknown, but it was generally believed that she kept her ears close to the ground and heard even the barest whispers in the mountain. She shook her head, complained and drank until she tired and finally allowed herself to breathe and forget.

Fili, meanwhile, was morose in his current state of slouching lazily on one of the chairs by the warm fire of the hearth. He sighed and frowned and, after some coaxing from Thorin, related his doubts of the characters of some people he governed with. Kili personally thought that his brother was an excellent judge of character, but being a king gave him a new layer of mistrust. Thorin tried to help him with what he knew of some of the people Fili was worried about, but it had been so long since he last worked with them that perhaps his information didn’t mean much. He was better-armed, however, when Fili expressed his concerns about some decisions and policies he had to make. History tended to repeat itself. Even though Thorin was no longer privy to the details of the current politics of Erebor, he could still take lessons from past events. Proper discussion was inhibited by inebriation, but he and Fili did try. By this point, Dis could hardly care for anything, so she left them alone while she told Kili about the many stories of his innocent childhood. Kili had listened to all of them at least a hundred times but smiled and laughed accordingly, all the while throwing glances at Thorin and Fili as they conversed quietly.

Eventually, the lovely evening came to an end. Even with multiple guards, it was still not wise to be out of the safety of the Lonely Mountain when it was dark. Kili and Thorin hugged Dis and Fili before they opened the front door and bid them polite farewell in the view on their guards and attendants. With the king and princess on their ponies, the soldiers marched impressively in the dark. Orange light swayed and bounced as the dwarfs left, leaving behind quietness and darkness around the small cottage. Thorin and Kili watched them for a little while and returned inside to clean the kitchen and living space when the dwarfs of Erebor were but tiny figures amidst tall trees.

After the dinner party – small though it was – the cottage seemed too quiet. The noises as they cleaned the small space barely filled it, but Kili didn’t dare to break it with songs or conversations. He loved his brother and mother dearly, but their departure always left more than the sting of longing for the familiar. There was also growing trepidation brought by Thorin’s proneness to brooding. Kili cleaned the kitchen as quickly as he possibly could, not wanting to leave Thorin to his thoughts for too long. There were too many directions they could go to that Kili feared he couldn’t follow. His heart stopped when he returned to the sitting room to find it empty, the front door open. Panic overcame Kili as he rushed out of the door and drained just slightly when he immediately found Thorin leaning against the wall by the door with his arms crossed over his broad chest, staring into the direction Fili and Dis had gone to, his expression too pensive to put Kili fully at ease.

“You’re not thinking of returning to Erebor, are you?” he demanded, his voice trembling almost imperceptibly.

Thorin turned to him slowly. “I am.”

Kili frowned deeply as loyalty, affection, and defiance warred within him. He would follow (and _had_ followed) Thorin to the end of the earth, but he disliked the thought of coming back to the mountain kingdom. This simple life of hardship, of daily toiling for survival, of simplicity was what he preferred to the opulent but restrictive life in Erebor where everyone had two faces and no word was to be taken at face value. Kili understood and accepted responsibilities, but he didn’t tolerate well having a life dedicated entirely to others, restricted by expectations that weren’t his own, pressured by demands that reflected none of his desires. This life in a remote cottage in a forest just at the edge of Erebor was the life he had dreamt of all his life. But, should Thorin leave for Erebor again, Kili knew he couldn’t stay. His loyalty would pull him away, his dream life would be a hollow husk if lived alone. He had to be with Thorin, but he knew he wouldn’t be fully happy if he had to give up his dreams.

“You said you’re not needed anymore in Erebor, that your people need Fili more than they do you. You cannot deny that he has done his job well despite his complaints, so why would you return?” Why wouldn’t you stay here with me, he wanted to begged.

Thorin chuckled. “I’m only thinking of it. It doesn’t mean that I will go,” he assured Kili. “Indeed Erebor doesn’t need me anymore. My views and actions are things of the past and difficult to renew. My time has passed and it is now your brother’s. He has proven this true. However, it isn’t so easy for me to leave behind what I built up my entire life to. I only know of being a king, unlike you.”

Kili turned his dismayed gaze to the ground. “Of course. You only choose this life because I want it. You wouldn’t suffer it if not for me,” he said regretfully what had long plagued his mind but never before spoken. He knew it all along of course. Since the fateful discussion that ended with the decision that Thorin would leave his throne for his sister-son and live in seclusion, Kili had known. It was never Thorin’s dream to be a commoner. It was Kili’s. Every day Kili lived in fear of Thorin changing his mind to pursue his own dreams. After all, what did this life offer him but loneliness and hardship? They had but a shred of what they used to have and it only served as a painful reminder of the long years Thorin had spent serving ungrateful people as he sought a new home. Kili was happy with the life he now had, but he often doubted Thorin shared this sentiment.

“Do not pity me. Do not pity one who does something out of love, for it is a great fortune. Indeed this isn’t the life I ever imagined, but who says happiness is not to be found in it?” He smiled affectionately when Kili lifted his eyes to meet his. He raised his hand to the nape of Kili’s neck, his palm rough but warm, strong yet yielding. “There’s nothing else that I want, except that I wish I could call you my husband.”

Kili’s cheeks warmed, although it was nothing compared to the heat he felt deep in his chest. A smile spread over his lips as a burden weighing down his lungs and heart was lifted. Affection that they both had once tried to conceal could be expressed more freely here in solitude, where no one would judge or condemn them. There was no need for covert glances, stolen touches, and disguised affection anymore. Kili’s eyes fluttered shut when Thorin leaned forward and lightly kissed his lips. They lingered just one second before parting just enough to gaze into each other’s eyes with love their mortal bodies could barely contain.

“I need no bond or paper, only your hand in mine and your presence at my side,” Kili said quietly.

“And neither do I,” Thorin agreed. “Though it would be grand to be able to introduce you as such.”

“The scandal we could cause!” Kili joked although he couldn’t hide his joy for the fantasy of proudly announcing Thorin as his husband. He often envied those who could openly and proudly call their lovers their spouses while he disguised himself as a guard and caretaker and Thorin played the part of a doting uncle. What he wouldn’t give to be able to declare his love and devotion to Thorin! But it was yet impossible and this isolation was the only place for them to follow their hearts as they must. “If there is one thing I regret, it’s that here I can’t spoil you as you ought to be spoiled,” Kili confessed.

Thorin huffed in amusement. “You’ve spoiled me enough. Don’t think I don’t notice how you claim the harder tasks, and my jewelry box is overflowing with your crafts.”

“Very poor crafts!” Kili laughed. “I do so love seeing you covered in fine jewelries and gold.”

“I think I’ve had enough gold and fineries for a lifetime. I’ve had enough of living other people’s dreams.” He stroked Kili’s jaw with his thumb and looked at him lovingly. “It’s time to live my own life.”

Kili was breathless as he held Thorin’s narrow waist. “If there is anything you want – _anything at all_ – tell me and I will make it true.”

Thorin smiled and released him, pulling away. He left Kili cold for only a moment before offering his hand. “Come to bed with me.”

Kili took his hand and together they walked back into their home.

**Author's Note:**

> The ending that I can’t write is that this takes place before LoTR and Thorin and Kili later become casualties in the war after joining it as common soldiers. I’m not cruel enough to write that, though. It’s enough that they die in a battle in the canon.
> 
> If anyone has any recommendation for books similar to Jane Austen’s but in the fantasy/adventure genre, please let me know. If it’s available for free somewhere, the better!
> 
> Feel free to say hi to me on [my tumblr](http://demonessryu.tumblr.com/).


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